I have a lot of words my head that when, sitting in front of this computer screen, seem to stall at my fingertips. I'm not sure what to say but I feel like something needs to be said, if only to give some form to my thoughts. Maybe I can stop the buzzing in my skull. I've kept this blog fairly personal, but at this moment I feel some distance is necessary.
Travel blogs (could this even be considered as such, given the lack of travel?) tend to glamourize living abroad. Look at our exciting expat lives! We go to a new country every month! Something something expanded horizons!
While I think there is some truth behind the glitz, I also tend to downplay the sacrifices I've made to move to a foreign country. Granted, I think my situation is slightly different from your average auxiliar. Most people treat the program as a two year break before "adulthood." They work part-time for a decent wage and travel during their three-day weekends. In the end, they pack their belongings and go home to their friends and family. Dating a Spaniard complicates things. Where is home now? Is it in the apartment I share with Álvaro in Madrid? Is it my parents' home in California? To be honest, I'm not quite sure. I've always felt torn between the here and there. Something will always be missing, but in the meantime it looks like I've chosen Spain as my residence. I've better luck as an English teacher, and Álvaro has both his job and his studies here.
I knew the consequences of my decision the moment I stepped on the plane back to the USA in May 2011, shortly after our relationship began. A trans-atlantic relationship always means that someone gets left behind. If we have kids, they will be slightly estranged from one set of grandparents. Visiting family will become a thousand-euro affair, with trips spaced months (if not years apart). You can't just head home at a moment's notice. I chose to accept the risk, taking things as they come. I pushed these thoughts aside as something that "future me" will have to contend with.
I'm lucky to have my parents' support. They've always given me the opportunity to experience new things that they never could. Since I was 18 and headed off to university 6 hours away, I've spent the majority of my adulthood away from home. They stood behind my decision to come to Spain, knowing that with my relationship I might not be coming back. I'd like to think that I'm better for it, and I'm grateful for having such self-sacrificing parents.
But in light of recent events, I can't help but feel that I've been behaving selfishly. I can't stop thinking about the whys and what ifs, the should'ves, could'ves and would'ves. Why didn't I go home for Christmas? Why did I want to travel Europe, instead of going home for the summer? I should've Skyped more.
I have a lot of hard choices to make. My time is Spain may be ending.
I'm a long, long way from home.
My relationship with Mario began in October 2009. I came back to Spain to be with him, did the auxiliar program, hated it, and went back to the US in June 2011.
ReplyDeleteI started working while Mario was at home in Spain, looking for a job. I wasn't sure where we were going or where we'd end up. Mario went to visit in October 2011, and proposed in November 2011. So now we're back ...
It's hard in the moment. It's not easy to figure things out: where you belong, where he belongs, if you even belong together. And how? It's a difficult question, and there are myriad answers. You may end up together, and you may not. But you won't regret being honest with yourself and figuring it out on your terms, as I did. It took that time apart for me to realize (and for Mario too) how much we valued our relationship and how much we were willing to sacrifice.
Good luck on your journey.
Thanks for the kind words. I've actually been following your blog since about July 2011. It's been nice to read about someone who is two steps ahead and has more or less dealt with the same issues.
ReplyDeleteThis post was my reaction to some serious news about the health of a family member. Under normal circumstances I'd want to stay in Spain. I generally like working as an auxiliar and I've got a pretty good quality of life here. I was excited to renew for a second year. On the day I found out, Álvaro and I were putting up shelves and trying to make our tiny apartment feel like a home.
These are the sort of trying moments that would happened regardless of my location, but being far from my family definitely complicates any decision I'd have to make. You're right--in the end it's something I am going to need to figure out on my own (in fact, I've received the same advice from my mom).
Thankfully, it looks like the "bad news" may have been a false alarm.